James looked so beautiful, so perfect even in the dark reflection of his bathroom mirror. His well-defined jawline, the aura of his strong shoulders. Everything about him screamed perfection.I can see him all the way across the room through the open doors of my bath. The entire flat was dark save for the light coming from my open door, shining onto the bed as if a spotlight on a stage actor. He lay there and looked at me with burning passion, and I knew just how he felt. It's bittersweet that we have at least that one thing in common, after all these years that I bottled up everything I felt for him inside me."If you're going to ask me where I put your shaving cream, Vincent Benedictus, you're barking up the wrong tree."I smile at him, we start to get dressed."You know, James, I have something planned for the both of us." He's drinking what's left of the whiskey that we brought home from the 7/11 just a few blocks down from my pad."Well I can't wait to see what you've got in store," he replies. His excitement, his enthusiasm. He doesn't know what's coming to him, what's coming to us.I took another good long look at James now that he had turned on the lights. The blinds were spread open, just as James did to my legs a few hours ago. There were scars all over his forearms, and a mark along his chest. Each one had a story of its own, and I knew each and every one of them. And yet, I admired them like a schoolboy in a gallery. The most beautiful works of art always were hard to understand and James was no different. I wrestled in my mind if I were willing to destroy such a masterpiece, such a work of art."You know, Vinnie, sometimes I still get aches in my back where some of that shrapnel hit from back in the shit," his specimen muttered to him as he put on his shirt. "Not a day goes by that I don't think about our friends, their faces. That hurts me more than the back pain does.""There was nothing we could do.""BUT THERE WAS, and you knew full well not to go after me. Of all the people you go for, you go after me. MARK HAD A CHILD! He's turning 4 years old, and he hasn't seen his old man for 4 years! A-and Jessica."James was always the strongest man he ever knew, at mind and at body. But some things he cannot endure, like losing a lover."James, I couldn't have saved Jessica. I know how you felt about her, but you can't fraternize with brothers and sisters, and more important still you can't let feelings compromise our mission or your unit.""And yet you fucking did, so don't you dare talk to me like that!" he snapped.I don't know which was harder to swallow, the last of the liquor left in my glass or the bitter truth that I was just as responsible for their deaths as James is."Hey, Vinnie, I'm sorry. Let's not talk about it anymore.""It's fine. Let's go and take a walk, maybe go down to our little place where we used to hang with them."My flat was just a few minutes away from the base. I took my Sig P320 along with me. I've used it since Sinjar. This will be the last time.We got into my car. The scent of pine and citrus mixed from the various car fresheners I like to keep in my car brought me back to reality, and away from my daydreams. I've brought along a shovel, my entrenchment tool in the back seat. I'm surprised he hasn't asked anything about it.I drove us to a cabin in the woods, a little holiday cabin we used to rent during our months away from deployment. The same place I heard him make love to Jessica. The same place the four of us got shitface drunk.I take a look at him as he got out of the car and by God, do I want to ravage him, to put his member in my mouth right then and there. But this is where the road ends for us."What the fuck are we here for?""Let's take a walk, and bring the spade.""What the hell for?""I told you I had a surprise."He sighed. "Alright, whatever the hell floats your boat.""You know, James, what helped me get through the rut I got into after the shit was art. I bought a lot of paintings from these smalltime artists that I saw everywhere, even asked around on the Web.""Wait, you mean to tell me all those paintings in your apartment aren't yours? You didn't make any of those?""Nope. None.""Then why are they all fucked and in the trash bin?"I start digging, fully prone and face on the ground."What are you doing Vin? We're not in Iraq anymore.""Well maybe I haven't really left the shit." And I believed that. Nothing messed with my head more than the faces of my friends I've lost, and I know he feels the same too. But no, not really. I'm more fucked up by the fact that he chose Jessica over me. He beds me, we fuck but he only ever really loved Jessica.I was done now, I've dug two foxholes maybe 6 feet deep."You know, after Iraq I realized the only thing I'm good at is destroying shit. And if I can't have something, I'd rather it goes in the shitter.""Vinnie, calm down. Get your shit together, man."I take off my jacket and reveal my pistol, tucked away in my concealed holster."You're so perfect, James, like those paintings and those little children I killed.""That school bus came out of nowhere! It wasn't your fault and there wasn't anything you could have done," and I felt the fear in his voice. The same fear years ago when I had to choose between him and our friends."But there is now."Silence. I put the gun to his head."Vinnie, I'm sorry. Just do it, man.""WOULD YOU HAVE CHOSEN ME?!""Yes, yes I would have.""THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU LOVE HER AND NOT ME?"My screams break the silence of the woods. Something humans and animals have in common is their ability to sense distress, and the birds knew not to stay too long. They fly away, their fluttering wings filling the air like panicking Iraqi school kids in a school bus scrambling in fear of a rushing HMMWV."You know, James, I fucking hate you. Everyday I think of how I can get back at you for lying to me. You were my battle buddy, you were supposed to have my fucking back. 'Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.' And I've dug two graves for us, my dear."I put the gun to my head and look at his face, in tears. Even as he wept he looked so beautiful."Remember my face, James."
Originally published at www.wattpad.com.
